Episode 6: Shut The F--k Up

I feel like I want to take a moment here to talk about negativity and positivity.

I started making these stupid little 30 second videos for TikTok about a month ago with zero expectations of getting anything out of it other than an excuse to write, do some improv, and do character voices.

I’ve been fortunate in that the feedback I’ve received has been overwhelmingly positive. In fact, I’ve only really gotten two “negative” comments so far, which is pretty unprecedented on the internet.

On one of my #ScrewingWithScammers videos where I answered the phone as The Joker (an homage to Mark Hamill’s take on the character), one person wrote, “It actually isn’t even that good.” On a more recent video, someone else wrote, “What’s up with your nostril?”

Well, for the first troll: I thought about commenting back, but the community quickly jumped on them and defended me. So that was nice, and it says a lot about that community. I think the troll deleted their comment, because it’s not there any more.

And for the second comment about my nostril...I don’t know, this is just how my nose looks. I think I have a deviated septum or something, and maybe I broke it once. I don’t know. Why?

And “why” is the question, right? Why do people feel the need to tear others down?

And before I go on, if you’re thinking that this is only an internet thing, you’re wrong. It happens all the time in “real life”. Think about meetings you’ve been in at work, or even when hanging out with friends. You know you’ve seen this where people feel a need to criticize others.

Now, they’ll disguise this as offering “constructive criticism”, that they are trying to help. But unless someone has asked for that criticism, is that really what they are doing?

My hypothesis is “no”, they are not actually trying to help. They are attempting to make themselves feel better about themselves. Maybe they want to be seen as smarter than everyone else, or perhaps they feel like if they don’t contribute in a meeting that people will think they don’t understand what’s being discussed. Maybe there’s some jealousy that someone else had the courage to create something, anything, and they lack that courage.

This is a toxic behavior. It poisons relationships, and more importantly, it poisons themselves. It’s a soothing, albeit temporary, balm for their own unhappiness.

And on the other side of this coin is being the recipient of these comments. They can be incredibly damaging, even if the commenter didn’t intend it that way.

I recently saw a post from one of my favorite TikTokers who was on the verge of tears because of comments people had been making on her videos. This really bothered me, because I see it often: someone creates something, and others feel the need to tear them down.

And while some of these comments people were making on her videos were deeply personal, and even going so far as to point out things about her appearance, it doesn’t always manifest that way. Saying things like, “It would have been better if you [insert suggestion here]” can be just as damaging. The commenter is essentially saying that they could have done it better.

To which I say: who cares? Then go make a better video then, or drawing, or written work, or whatever. Go make it, and if it’s good, be happy with that. I’ll be happy that you had the courage to create, to take chance, to put yourself out there.

But if you aren’t willing to put yourself out there for your own desire to create (not to just make things that are better than what someone else made...that’s toxic, too, and it’s going to eat away at you, I guarantee it), if you’re not willing to do that, then shut up. Just shut up. Tace. Callate. Tais-toi. Damare. Akhrus. If you don’t like something that someone has created, then ignore it. Like Grandma Wiggins used to say:

If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

And I want you to ask this of yourself, and be brutally honest: is this you? Have you done this?

I know I have. I know I was wrong.

Now, I do want to address the creator side. There’s a way to innoculate yourself from that feeling of getting kicked in the teeth when you get negative comments, a way to stave off the psychic damage: stop caring about the positive comments.

This sounds counter-intuitive, right? It’s not. Here’s why:

“The reason why I can deal with people misjudging me, and plenty of people do, often, is because I also don’t listen to people who give me accolades. The reason people are so vulnerable to judgement is because they thirst accolades. They thirst acclaim. They get it. But then when they get negative feedback, they’ve already put feedback on a pedestal. I can’t hear either.” - Gary Vaynerchuk, Gary Vee Audio Experience Podcast, “It’s Never Too Late To Start | INSIDE 4Ds”, 9/27/2019

Makes sense, right? If we stop putting so much stock in what others think, and create because we want to, then the negative doesn’t carry as much weight.

I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s taken me a long time to get there. And this also doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t seek out constructive criticism and feedback...but maybe we should be selective with who we solicit that from.

And again, if you’re feeling a need to post or say something negative and unsolicited, even couched in what you think is “constructive criticism”, stop. Just stop. Be cool, and just move on.

You all deserve to be happy. Just don’t do it by tearing someone else down. It won’t work.

And one final note...if you are having a rough go, please reach out to someone. You aren’t burdening them. The people you have invited into your life want to see you happy. I guarantee it.